If there is one thing I think most of us struggle with, it is forgiveness. Adding ness to forgive and making it into a thing by itself, unattached to our personal woes, allows us to be forgiving “like”, to aspire to forgive, to attempt to forgive, or to forgive a little, perhaps even hauling forgiveness around with the intention of using it, like carrying cough drops or tissues in your purse…just in case you need it. You know it is possible to forgive, even expected, you have heard incredible stories of forgiveness, yet somehow like a tissue when you sneeze, you can’t quite get to it fast enough or find it at all. To forgive as a verb – to fully, deeply and completely stop feeling angry at another who has trespassed or crossed us, is yet another story. I have written on this subject before and I suspect will do so again. The act of forgiving is so intricate and complex we must walk around it exploring every different possible view of it so that we may try and make sense of it. Do you remember when you were learning math, there was no middle ground, you either got it or you did not? Forgiveness is a lot like math, you either have it or you don’t. To forgive someone is not possible if you do not know the sum of the parts that are at the root of your anger. Rarely is it about the person or the event that has you angry.
Start small. Start with what angers you on a continual basis. It may be traffic. It may be something that always makes you sad and makes tears flow every time you see it or hear it. It could be standing in a line at a store. Everyone knows some common simple thing that annoys them, the thing, you always find yourself looking around at other people not annoyed, and you not only wonder how it does not annoy them, it annoys you that it does not annoy them! You just want confirmation. Somebody high five me please! Someone to tell you why it is this “thing” that is bothering you so much is indeed something to be bothered by, and that you have every right to wait angrily for everyone else to catch up with this ungodly mess and be angry with you. Sounds kind of dumb when you hear it like that, doesn’t it? Is this really what we want, simply to be right or do we simply want the right to be angry?
First, I believe it is important to say, your anger is not part of the solution to what you are viewing as wrong, and, being angry never got anyone out of a situation they did not want to be in.
We become angry when we feel paralyzed and unable to move forward. When this happens in traffic or in a line waiting for something, it is always a sign and signal of a deeper frustration within us symbolized by the inability to tolerate the small frustrations and non threatening situations in daily life that are part of being in the world, tolerating others and waiting our turn. Once we understand that forgiving someone has nothing to do with them, and everything to do with us, we begin to see the parts of the equation that equal forgiveness. Once we realize there is no one to blame, we then begin the descent to the very bottom of the problem with forgiveness, and it lies at very bottom of us.
“We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are.”
~Talmud
If we could only begin to grasp that statement, for it is a powerful one. No matter how bad we feel no one else but us feels it. Holding onto that pain does nothing to correct the reason we are in pain nor does it punish the person or situation responsible for it. Forgiveness is orbiting around all of us, but to forgive is deep inside of us at our core. Forgive means action, it is a verb and the first big step on the path to forgiving someone is to begin to take apart your anger. Just like anything else that is not working, you must begin to dissect and diagnose what the trouble is. Unplug your anger from the person or event that is causing your pain at this moment, and follow it. Like math, you will need a piece of paper or a kind and trusted friend to help you begin to back track and find the source of your pain and anger. You will be surprised at how quickly you find another layer of pain when you disconnect from what it is that angers you. Once you begin to take apart your anger, you will quickly notice gaining some control over your emotions, and, begin realizing that you have everything you need right here right now to truly forgive and let go of the person you are angry with. This does not mean you have succeeded! You will only know if you have successfully forgiven someone when that thing that makes you crazy about them or the thing you perceived they did wrong no longer causes you to be angry with them. When you begin to truly work on the fine art of forgiveness as a personal project that you own the rights to, you and not your anger begin to reign supreme and enter through the gateway to what it is you really want and what it is you are truly here to do. To actually forgive another really means to get out of your own way because it never really was between you and any other person, it was always between you and God.
www.CynthiaKJohnson.com ~Cynthia
